Fash Fatigue Chronicles: Shake the Etch a Sketch
Samantha Kutner
Monday, June 8th, 2020
On Sunday, my twin reached out to me about an opinion piece she pitched to JTA. I woke up to a text that read,
“How’s it coming? She wants it today. I know you have a lot on your plate, but it’s money.”
For a recovering perfectionist, this was perfect. I just hunkered down, I gathered my sources and then we got it done. I remember the feeling of pride and accomplishment before sitting with my roommate and watching The Wire, with the pup on my lap. I earned it.
Tuesday, June 9th, 2020
Tuesdays, for whatever reasons, are fighting days. Anyone with a conflict, issue, or attempt at character assassination usually contacts me then. I don’t know why, but most Tuesdays just suck for me. I try to convert the anger I feel into productive action, running errands, cleaning, cooking, etc. I’m not always successful. I just try to keep my rule of not going to bed angry.
Wednesday, June 10th, 2020
Today I went to my favorite coffee shop with my mask on, sat down to read like I used to before the COVID pandemic, wrote the beginning of an article that made me feel hopeful, and then thought, “What I write doesn’t have a clearly defined audience.” For example, a comment yesterday read, “So informative, but can it be made more op-ed style?” This essentially means, “can you convert this from a thinktank piece to something less terrifying?”
These are not comforting times.
But you can have little wins. Moments of clarity and moments of being present. After a recent scare with my Gramps, I’ve learned to not take moments with my family for granted. Life is short.
Wednesday, June 10th, 2020
Me: I was feeling so good and then I went back online.
Researcher: Switch to looking at a different extremist group for a break and then go back to the usual?
Me: Oh yes, what have the Jihadists been up to lately?”
Researcher: When I get fash fatigue I go read about missiles for a while but I recognize that may not be for everyone.
Another researcher later wrote, “You gotta do whatever it takes to shake the etch a sketch so you can keep staring into the abyss.”
And that’s always been dancing for me, but lately, I’ve been recognizing that I feel guilty for indulging when there is so much more work to be done. Logically, I know breaks are necessary, but the sense of urgency of this time makes me forget sometimes. Maybe it will sink in soon. I know the less I dance, the worse I feel, and the more I dance, the more I realize I deserve nice things…like dancing, so I might as well.
I’ve been talking to/working on a cop friend of mine who has finally agreed that his experience as a cop has occluded his vision regarding police brutality. He has agreed to do a live stream with me in a closed group where members have asked him questions. I explicitly told them to not hold back.
I let my group know we were still working out the details and then “shrunk my inner critic,” by telling myself the following:
Every time I have a deadline I’m neglecting, I remind myself of how grateful I am to be in the position I’m in. I’m grateful to be asked to contribute to a journal normally reserved for PhDs and I have a chance to further sharpen my knowledge about one aspect of my research.
I ended my night by trolling the Proud Boys, who really set themselves up for it.
https://twitter.com/ashkenaz89/status/1271301413440598017?s=20
Friday, June 11th, 2020 “Premack Principle”
The first semester at UNR, I told myself if I did not do my homework, I could not go out salsa dancing. It was incredibly motivating to me. Now, with no salsa dancing, ecstatic dance, and other zoom classes online are part of my quarantine dance community. I signed up for one, but, consistent with the Premack Principle, I did not finish in time, so I did not “earn” the class.
I ran my errands and was feeling productive but when I finally sat down to write, I realized how much I missed my friends, my dance community and wanted a hug. I then accepted that writing is a lonely experience and part of me being productive in the work I need to do is not having the luxury of that distraction, no matter how much I need it at the moment. So I sat down and did the work, but I called my sis first.
I called and asked her to do the zoom equivalent of holding my hand as I finished the draft I needed before the deadline. We often do stuff like that for each other. This time we both bought wine for the occasion. Always grateful for her.
It is so easy to default to me saying yes to others. I still don’t fully know how to square a healthy boundary setting with the sense of urgency I attribute to my work. Had someone not rescheduled this week, I would not have finished doing what I set out to do today. I’m just happy they bought me a few extra days.
It’s a gloomy, windy evening where I’m at. By the time this month is up, I will have finished one major project, one new academic article, one news article, and one podcast appearance, in addition to the work I do on a daily basis. I did the thing tonight, and now I’m going to rest. I have many people who love, support, and care about me, many people who trust in my expertise, and many people I look forward to seeing when this is over.
Wednesday, June 17th, 2020
Most of the day was spent in a fog, a bit paralyzed by indecision, a bit aimless.
I encountered more or less the same toxicity online I normally do each day and then I had an epiphany.
I can let my #OSINT research balance out my ethnographic research.
https://twitter.com/ashkenaz89/status/1273482606173057025?s=20
Game changer.
So I hope you find your way’s into and out of your work, learn when to rest, and learn when to allow yourself to feel.
Stepping off the soapbox for now.
Until next week.
